So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
