You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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