The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
