Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
