it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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