I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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