He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
