So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
