He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
