I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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