shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
