I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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