Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
