At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
