After last night, I could never be a politician.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
