you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
