We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
