Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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