bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
