I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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