his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I party with great urgency now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
