I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
