My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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