Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
