yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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