I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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