So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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