Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
