Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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