She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
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If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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