You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
