I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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