Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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