my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize