I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
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she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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