i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
