this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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