I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
