I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
