Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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