heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
vagina is talking i cant
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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