I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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