Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
