When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
