I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
