I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
