I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
