I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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