i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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