I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
