But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
