you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
