Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
