Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
