Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
