I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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