The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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