one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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