I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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