Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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