Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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